He’s a nice guy, but I’m afraid of him: Subtle signs of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse affects one in four women, and one in seven men in Australia. Emotional abuse is characterised by the psychological damage caused by shaming, ridiculing and invalidating another. Emotional abuse is more common than physical abuse, and more difficult to detect. It may involve emotional neglect, hostility, verbal assaults such as belittling, and social abuse including attempts to control another’s social interactions. Some of these behaviours in isolation may not constitute abuse, but it is the systematic application and pattern of abusive behaviour that is destructive. The abuse does not have to happen all the time, and in fact “most abusive relationships start out with very low conflict and high romance” states family therapy counsellor and professor, Diane Gehart. Abusive relationships follow a cycle of building tension, until an explicit abusive act/s, followed by remorse or apology from the abuser which gives the abused hope, then a period of romantic highs are experienced, before tension builds once more. The abused may feel disrespected, unable to be themselves, or afraid to disagree or negotiate their needs, but may still not recognise it as emotional abuse — especially if they had experienced abuse as a child. The consequences of even a single abusive behaviour in a repeated pattern can psychologically damage the individual. Multiple abusive behaviour patterns can further weaken the individual’s ability to identify abuses and seek help, and over a longer period of time, leads to stress-associated mortality.
Overt emotional abuse
Overt forms of emotional abuse are explicit, and may include raging; and verbal assaults such as name-calling, threats, harsh or chronic criticism, and ridicule. It may also include coercion; invasion of privacy such as looking through their partner’s phone; and isolating them from social interactions.
Covert emotional abuse
Covert emotional abuse on the other hand is insidious, thus more difficult to identify and confront. Covert emotional abuse arises from deep-seated anger and resentment within the abuser, that confuses, and causes profound self-doubt in the abused. The abuser often appears empathic, and may even claim to be more empathic than you. The abuser may also claim to be pathologically agreeable, such that you should be grateful for what they do. This type of abuse is characterised by passive-aggressive behaviour; and subtly shifting the narrative to benefit the abuser, to the detriment of the abused.
“It was just a joke”
Back-handed compliments and sarcastic, snide comments are an expression of hostility. By claiming it was a joke, the abuser tries to undermine the insult caused.
“I didn’t say it like that”
Denial of hostile behaviour makes the abused doubt their sense of reality. The abuser shirks responsibility for their abusive attitude by claiming they don’t remember acting that way.
“It’s because of you”
Abusers often blame their partner, or a perceived lack in the relationship for their bad behaviour. For example, infidelity is blamed on a lack of intimacy in the relationship, in an attempt to deflect responsibility for the selfish act.
False accusations
Negative mischaracterisations about the partner are formed from imagined situations or problems. While the accusations may have some sliver of truth, the claims are hugely distorted and hyper-critical of the partner.
Withholding
In an effort to punish their partner: abusers carry out silent treatments, exclude their partner from important decision making, withhold intimacy, deliberately fall short on requests, or minimise their partner’s accomplishments.
There are many more patterns of emotionally abusive behaviour. It is important to note that no two situations, abusers, or victims are the same.
The FOG of fear, obligation and guilt
“I guess there were some abusive patterns, but I don’t think he meant to hurt me”
The word “abuse” can feel like a loaded term — it can be difficult to attach such a label to the person we choose to love, and have felt love from. Everyone wants to be happy, but that does not stop people from behaving in destructive ways to themselves and others. An abuser will never tell you their actions were intended to control and manipulate you. What is says about someone who emotionally damages others is irrelevant to the facts of the suffering experienced by the abused. Clouding the judgement of the victims of abuse is the fear, obligation and guilt they experience in partnership with an abuser. Abusers often fail to take true accountability for their harmful actions; this can make the abused feel guilty to the point of failing to recognise their partner’s behaviours as abusive, or believing that they deserve it. Victims of abuse live in fear of their partner’s actions; they may fear that their own responses will lead to abandonment or loneliness. The abused may feel obligated to support their abusive partner because they believe they are good deep down, meanwhile ignoring the repeated patterns of hostility. In these ways, the abuser and the victim make excuses for the damaging behaviours.
Seeking help
You are not responsible for the actions of others. You do not deserve to live in fearful obligation and guilt. You deserve a love that is patient and kind. Do not settle for unpredictable affection and emotional assaults. You have the power to acknowledge the ways in which you’ve been hurt, and there is support for you. Seek help from your local doctor, or from a relationship or family counselling service. Alternatively, you can call the following free helplines (24 hours per day, 7 days per week):
Australia:
Kids Helpline — 1800 55 1800
1800 RESPECT LINE — 1800 737 732
United States of America:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1800 799 7233
United Kingdom:
National Domestic Violence Helpline — 0808 2000 247
Men’s Advice Line — 0808 801 0327 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
